Emotions can take us by surprise, especially big ones. A 4-year old young friend recently told me, “I want to do something with my crossness!” I think we can all relate. There are certainly a lot of big emotions being expressed on this planet right now.
A helpful approach for the more destructive ones might start with the concept that ‘between stimulus and response there is a space, and in that space lies our power and freedom”* It could be especially helpful to realise when our rage gets triggered……..
Is there anything we can do to stretch that space between stimulus and response, or even better, to change the original perspective that causes us to be triggered in the first place?
That ability requires knowing yourself well enough that you can catch a strong emotion even before it has bubbled up and interrupt it before it has boiled over. Developing those skills is harder for some, but we all have the capacity to do so. I admit it can take some work to understand what a bubbling emotion means (to us) and then manage it appropriately, so rather than ‘losing it’ or ‘stuffing it’ we can transform it - and then finally act in a way that is aligned with our values and that we even feel good about afterwards!
Not always possible, I know! I worked on it myself for many years and when needed I help my clients do the same. But this process can be speeded up if we mentally separate ourselves from the emotion, to not identify with it…. you ARE NOT your anger. It’s just an emotion your brain is creating.
The trouble with big emotions is that they obscure our capacity to think clearly, and to perceive what is in front of us accurately or realistically. Big emotions disrupt our perception so we become more narrow-minded and rigid in our thinking. Literally, our peripheral vision is narrowed. We become ‘tunnel-visioned’, (because that’s what we need to be to ‘fight or flee’ when survival is threatened, but for most of us, most of the time, this is not applicable.)
Nevertheless, we still ‘go there’ because it’s the brain’s default mechanism, and so we allow our brain (and emotions) to control us, with the likely result that we ‘boil over’ and do things we are likely to regret.
The good news is that our brains are adaptable AND we can take charge! It is a brilliant fact we all need to pay more attention to!
To paraphrase a Buddhist monk, we can gain relief from the tyranny of destructive emotions. We can even choose to channel our emotions into positive ones.
We do not need to be victims of our big emotional reactions. We can decide to give more attention to our emotions in our bodies, noticing the sensations as they occur with the intention to begin to take charge. We may not always succeed but we can start by making a decision. A decision to attend to the emotion for what it is – just an emotion which need not be destructive.
*Attributed to author Viktor Frankl